September 1st, 2009
Getting to the Other Side
These last 26 weeks have been very difficult. It was devastating to hear from the doctor that my wife and I were going to lose our baby. I suddenly had to look my beliefs in the face, the stuff I sing and say from stage every week, and ask myself if I really believe. Do I believe that God provides, gives, and cares? Can I really surrender my situation, my daughter’s life, into His hands? Can I let go?
The doctors said if for some reason our baby did make it to term, it would most likely be mentally disabled. That was when I realized I was helpless. I honestly never thought I would ever have a child with mental disabilities and didn’t know if I had what it took. I can barely handle being a husband, let alone a dad to a child who needs a real hero. In this moment I realized I couldn’t just rely on my skill or talent to get me through. I saw the edge of my abilities and knew I couldn’t make it. I found my limits…came face to face with my frailty. I needed God to prepare me drastically for whatever outcome.
Its a scary moment: surrendering something to God. We talk about it and sing about it, but in the back of our minds we know that we have it under control. We have money in savings accounts, friends who can help us, locks on our door, a strong government, etc. In this moment I realized I had nothing to fall back on. God shows up in our desperation…its up to us to let go. That’s faith.
It hasn’t been easy, but God has grown me immensely. I’ve learned to take refuge in the fact that GOD IS WITH us, not in the hopes that God will make everything the way I want it. My daughter didn’t live. My wife and I are grieving. Life is hard. Pain is real. Yet I am not alone, and if I can manage to stay pliable God will shape me and I will emerge stronger and wiser than before.
If we don’t surrender and honestly listen to and seek God’s promptings, we waste incredible opportunities to mature and grow. Gold is refined in the fire.
God has filled me with lyrics relating to this situation in a wave I haven’t experienced in a long time. I have a hunger for the word. A desire for daily communion. I feel His presence more than ever before. There is something on the other side…but we have to trust that He will get us there.
What will you say
when the gales pound
when their winds have run your ship aground
When the sails rip and hull gives way
What will you say
what will you do
when the tempest blows
and calls the raging waves to rows
when icy waters cover you
what will you do
where will you go
when the currents pull
when surrender has you in its lull
when death is waiting down below
where will you go
well i must brave
the open sea
and face the terror holding me
I’ll swim until a changing tide
takes me to the other side.
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