November 10th, 2010
This picture represents those moments that cause me to forget all the stress of work, the bills I have to pay, the decisions I have to make, the car I need to be shopping for, and the social media sites I “need” to visit. Its like a pause button, freezing into frame what really matters in my whirlwind of a life. Simplistic joy. Something that, if I get too distracted, disappears into the background. Those sudden pockets of clarity where I realize just how blessed I really am.
What are your little moments? What causes you to stop, smile, and turn off the noise?
May 25th, 2010
This Mother’s Day I had the privilege of closing out our Sunday services with a song from my album. Mother’s Day is an amazing opportunity to celebrate our moms, but can also be a very hard, emotional time. I wanted to take a few moments to honor mothers who have lost, have had trouble conceiving, and those who had recently lost their mom’s. Mother’s Day 2009 was a tough one for my wife Danielle as she carried our firstborn who we knew would die any day from Hydrops. We ended up having a stillbirth 26 months into Continue reading 'Voicing the Pain'
April 16th, 2010
Thank you, everyone who came out to the CD Release show tonight. I can’t express how much your support means to me. What a fun way to wrap up this last season of my life! Its amazing to see these songs used in a way so much bigger than I could have imagined. Here are a few pictures you guys posted on twitter. Tag me in either twitter and facebook and I’ll post more pics. Comment and let me know what you guys thought of the show! Let me know you were there!
All of you who watched online, I’ll come to your city next!
September 1st, 2009
These last 26 weeks have been very difficult. It was devastating to hear from the doctor that my wife and I were going to lose our baby. I suddenly had to look my beliefs in the face, the stuff I sing and say from stage every week, and ask myself if I really believe. Do I believe that God provides, gives, and cares? Can I really surrender my situation, my daughter’s life, into His hands? Can I let go?
The doctors said if for some reason our baby did make it to term, it would most likely be mentally disabled. That was when I realized I was helpless. I honestly never thought I would ever have a child with mental disabilities and didn’t know if I had what it took. I can barely handle being a husband, let alone a dad to a child who needs a real hero. In this moment I realized I couldn’t just rely on my skill or talent to get me through. I saw the edge of my abilities and knew I couldn’t make it. I found my limits…came face to face with my frailty. I needed God to prepare me drastically for whatever outcome.
Its a scary moment: surrendering something to God. We talk about it and sing about it, but in the back of our minds we know that we have it under control. We have money in savings accounts, friends who can help us, locks on our door, a strong government, etc. In this moment I realized I had nothing to fall back on. God shows up in our desperation…its up to us to let go. That’s faith.
It hasn’t been easy, but God has grown me immensely. I’ve learned to take refuge in the fact that GOD IS WITH us, not in the hopes that God will make everything the way I want it. My daughter didn’t live. My wife and I are grieving. Life is hard. Pain is real. Yet I am not alone, and if I can manage to stay pliable God will shape me and I will emerge stronger and wiser than before.
If we don’t surrender and honestly listen to and seek God’s promptings, we waste incredible opportunities to mature and grow. Gold is refined in the fire.
God has filled me with lyrics relating to this situation in a wave I haven’t experienced in a long time. I have a hunger for the word. A desire for daily communion. I feel His presence more than ever before. There is something on the other side…but we have to trust that He will get us there.
What will you say
when the gales pound
when their winds have run your ship aground
When the sails rip and hull gives way
What will you say
what will you do
when the tempest blows
and calls the raging waves to rows
when icy waters cover you
what will you do
where will you go
when the currents pull
when surrender has you in its lull
when death is waiting down below
where will you go
well i must brave
the open sea
and face the terror holding me
I’ll swim until a changing tide
takes me to the other side.
September 1st, 2009
So as many of you know, Danielle and I lost our baby to hydrops on Monday. Micaela Grace Axtell was delivered at 26 weeks, and was 2 lbs, 11 inches. We are doing as well as expected, and Danielle is in good health. For more info check out Danielle’s blog HERE.
January 22nd, 2009
Tonight was a good night of worship…nothing special from an outward perspective, but I felt God speaking to me. I felt a freedom in the songs, a certain level of confidence in the technicality of the music which allowed my mind to wander elsewhere and LISTEN. I was reminded that God gifts our every breath. 2 of the 4 student center ac units where down, but the stifling room didn’t stop God from moving. I could see others in the same place, and its always a good thing when you as a worship leader are able to bring others on the journey you are on. In almost every worship session I lead I find myself tuning in to a specific person…that person often serves as an instrument to help gauge the feeling in the room but on a deeper level I find myself working to lead that specific person…worshipping with them and focusing on how to take them deeper. Its just a mind game but it seems God always provides someone who has something to teach me. Tonight is was a younger man who was sitting by himself. It was his first time tonight at Camber and even though he was new to the community he was abandoning himself in worship. His tattered D’backs had was clutched in his hands as he shouted out the lyrics with an unrivaled passion. I was observing an intimate conversation between him and God. I don’t how to describe my reaction, but it put a lump in my throat and reminded me that God moves in his own way and time, regardless if we are set up or ready for it. He moves in rooms of 10 and rooms 0f 10,000. I was reminded that the living God was in our presence, and touching lives in front of my face.
The most powerful moment I remember was when I was leading at a winter camp in Mammoth Lakes, Ca. It was the last night and I glance out on the group of high school students during a song and see my brother on his knees. In the next moment, my mom, who was volunteering on the trip, with tears in her eyes, kneeled down with him. In that instant I shared a connection with my mom and brother that I can’t explain but is still with me till this day. It taught me a great deal about family, humility, and legacy. Sometimes when I am having a rough rehearsal, or am fighting off technical difficulties, I remember these people and these moments and remind myself what I am really working towards.
Pay attention to those around you…God may have a lot to say.
